Father's day 2007

Thommy and John

good morning
i love you

thank you for this Father's Day (weekend).... [and thanksgiving eve] [2007]

as i traveled to our GSO base to be with y'all for Father's Day, i read the recent OSV - and the article about Church Fathers - two of whom come up for feasts soon - Cyril and Irenaeus

and as i prayed before Mass at OLG saturday morning, i scanned the upcoming calendar - and we have some biggies coming our way - not to mention, yet, the plethera of Johns and Thomases and the Irish and jesuits -

Sacred Heart of Jesus
Immaculate Heart of Mary
21 Aloysius Gonzaga
24 Birthday of John the Baptist
[today's 11th Sunday of ordinary time is sandwiched between that and Corpus Chriti - Father's Day in USA, a secular holiday worthy of being a holyday -- so, as i meditate upon the confluence of feasts and holidays, randomly put into proximity of one another, i take advantage of the circumstance given to us to celebrate and meditate and write.... ]
27 Cyril
28 Irenaeus
28 vigil of Peter and Paul
29 Peter and Paul
3 Thomas the Apostle

and, of course, for Father's Day
Joseph
Joseph and Mary - Holy Family; the necessity of pater materque for fatherliness (and motherliness)

and the secret of a father's love, your father's love, The Father's Love
a father's love is forever - - no matter what!
hearing that song for the first time the three of us riding around in the mustang with the top down!

Joseph qua Pater. - inseparable from the Son as well as the mother; Jesus and Mary -
each has a responsibility to the father to optimize his fatherliness as well as reap the benefits of God's having given the father to them....

[your mother and i had our wedding ceremony on May the oneth - feast of St Joseph the Worker... not only is Joseph my confirmation patron, he's the middle name for Uncle Ken and Grandpa.... Joseph has been an important person for me since i could not spell Christopher and substituted Joseph [i wanted Christopher because we traveled so much... Joseph traveled for his family even more, it seems....]

Joseph became a father by the grace and gift and miracle of God....
i became a father the same way - tho with the added privilege of the physicality of it all....

in 1982 your mother and i agreed that we would wait for children - and God went along with that plan.

in the fall of 1986, she and i agreed to be open to children - and God went along with that, too!

Joseph probably expected to have many children with Mary . [i did not have a preconceived number - your mother and i agreed to yes, eventually, before she was 40....] imagine his shock when he discovered her with child - i was shocked with happiness and thanksgiving when i heard - i'm guessing that Joseph's shock was more like helpless fury and deepest disappointment...

then God sent him a messenger. and Joseph accepted God's gift and the grace to care for the child. you were each a gift and Deo Gratias that your parents got the grace to take care of you [albeit sans pater materque - to your and each of ours great loss]

the joy of pregnancy is immeasurable - the bond between mother and father, the reaching out to the child - feeling, hearing, even seeing the lil black spot... remember,. a pregnant woman is NOT fat! she's pregnant. and beautiful! this is another time to give yourself totally to your spouse ....

the child is born and angels, shepherds, and magi come to sing praise to the boy! well, we didn't have any magi, but we did have angels and coworkers and family and friends come from far and wide, near and close to visit the child, sing the child's praises, congratulate the parents, and give thanks to God for the health of the child, the wonder of the gift.

the scene in the temple, with simeon. Joseph assured the proper sacrifice. he listened to anna and simeon - they addressed themselves to the mother, as people are still want to do - and committed these things to his heart as well. the father's heart is not given its proper due - from family, church, or community; you'll see.

Joseph took the child and mother to egypt.... we headed off to nyc, in december, for y'all's baptisms.
[I could digress into regrets, e.g., who was the we, white man? Joseph had a dream, he told his wife of the angel’s message, and they bundled up the baby and hit the road for the certainty of discernment of right but the fearfilled uncertainty of what lie before them. Faith – in their love, i.e., commitment to one another, now and forever, no matter what, and in God’s favor – was at the core of their journey. And essential core. A missing component for your mother and me, not at the core, not in the periphery, nowhere to be found. C’est domage. I am so sorry! In May 1982 we did not have a we; a false vow, a sacrilegious ceremony. We did not have the fundamental marriage from the beginning [thus the annulment coming within days of the application]. In hindsight, I wonder if there were any “we”, any agreement, anything but deception, including “agreeing” with fingers crossed, with the self claimed prerogative to withdraw the agreement, to renege on the agreement at any time for any reason. That’s not love. That’s not marriage. And, without both of those, don’t go needing a baby carriage…. I dreadfully, regretfully, apologetically, made the mistake that k i s s i n g in a tree led to love and marriage. Wrong! My mistake. Our paying for it forever. I am sorry.]

After the trip to Egypt, another angel let them [that’d be the husband-and-wife, regardless of who was the recipient of the dream, visit from the angel, the discernment. Coming to one meant coming to them both; they, together, received and decided and did, always together…. And, Jesus was their son, he did what his parents expected of him. [unfortunately in your case your parents had mutually exclusive expectations – one of your parents actually believes it is alright for you to disobey another of your parents; not only alright but something for her to reward you for, to defend you for. Imagine, one parent positioning herself in between a child and his father?!. And, with mutually exclusive expectations, you are left to discern where right and good reside. I am sorry you have so far been forced to, have opted to make so many wrong choices, engage in so many errors of commission and omission. You are the Augustine to my Monica?], the angel let them know it was safe to return home.

Joseph and Mary had a home. Joseph Maryque came from the same town, the same faith, the same broadly defined family – see Fiddler on the Roof. Your mother and I do not have and apparently never made ourselves a home – neither in city or place. She from Montgomery. Me from NYC. She from a potpourri of religions. Me Catholic. She from a myriad of bloodlines. Me Irish [one of her lines]. In 1981, she and I were dating, even talking about marriage. I was at UAB and helping her finish her dissertation in Tuscaloosa. And she was applying to jobs in Boston – how did that fit her stated desire to marry me; her explicit proposal, will you marry me? [I said I’d not consider the question until she decided where she was going to work/live; my marrying someone who lived in Boston while I was in Birmingham did not make much sense to me.] She chose [her only option?] UAB and then I accepted her proposal: when? She answered soon. That was February. We had a wedding May 1th.

Birmingham became our first ‘home’. A place for us to live together, own a condo together, work for the same university even. Each of us in our separate worlds, including religion; but having the same condo, the same bed, and rings on our fingers.

We agreed on my pursuing opportunities with hospital companies. HSA offered me a hospital in Covington with an interim before then in Auburn Hills. We agreed on the plan; with your mother staying at UAB then pursuing a position in New Orleans.

She went to Tulane and I was with HSA and then HCA. It was the fall of 1986 that your mother and I agreed that we would be open to children. The torturous conflicts about birth control before then. The negotiating, incredibly, about how we would raise our child(ren – no agreement on plural, she said none after 40), how we would accommodate our careers and parenting - our absence of a home base, a common birthright, a similar faith, a comparable upbringing made everything important a negotiation, even a win-lose encounter. Everything important, down to the name of our child. Your mother denies some of the essential agreements we made before accepting openness to pregnancy. I regret our not putting them into writing.

In late 1985, I was offered a ‘dream job’ at the Vanderbilt child and adolescent psych hospital. And at about the same time, just as we were deciding about my accepting the offer or not, she announced our pregnancy. I could stay in New Orleans. No, she agreed to the move to Nashville. She, though, would stay at Tulane until June 1987, six months after I started at VCAPH. She agreed to come to Nashville for house hunting and visiting and moving our us along. [whenever I write ‘she agreed’ there is the caveat of what she meant by “agree”.]

We celebrated father’s day 1987 with ‘spot’, aka ‘blackey’, by then we knew you were a boy and thus John Kenneth, Jack to us, in utero. Twenty father’s days – each with a story for each of us – for me as father and son, for you, still, yes?, as son. That’s almost a book – Twenty days as father….

In September 1987 your mother was 37. It took us almost a year – again with painful engagements about birth control and, now, too, abortion (she would not agree not to abort a pregnancy; I would not therefore risk a pregnancy. Imagine how that unfucksup a relationship!). – before we agreed on having another child. Your mother denies the parenting/work agreements we reiterated with this agreement. I am sorry about that – and even more sorry we did not put them into writing; some people believe only if written and notarized. That is one of the costs of living outside the common ground of home, family, faith, place and people. I pray that you do not continue to live in that realm.

We celebrated father’s day 1989 with both Jack and Thommy! Gloria tibi, Domine!

I keep wishing for the parallels with the holy family. We, I am sorry for us to say, were not very close to that model. We were not on the same page about faith foundations that would inform decisions about spouse or parents or children. And even in our ‘agreements’ there was not the concurrence of living that was agreed to. So you got a father and a mother, not pater materque, not ‘parents’, and we continue to pay dearly for all that.

And yet, on thanksgiving eve, still writing on the father’s day blog started in June, I am first and foremost thankful for the gift of sons. And the blessings God bestows on me in his gift of you to me and me to you. Ora pro nobis.

I love you
dad